The Battles Within

Light at the end of the tunnel

4:51

This wasn't pain that was screaming at the top of its lungs saying, "Oh, it hurts, so so SO DAMN much!" It was the quiet kind, the eating you from within type of pain. The exact opposite of the extroverted person I am. 

It didn't start like that; it worked more like slow poison, a little damage at a time. 

For months, it moved from one part of my body to a different part of my body, eventually making its way into my head. Some days, I would feel it in my gut, and a few days it would make me wanna throw up. Some were anxiety in my stomach, and some days it was in form of restlessness. Nights spent being an insomniac and some that had me vigorously grind my teeth. A few days went by with a headache playing like background music… until it finally convinced me “I wasn't good enough!”

I wouldn't talk about it to anyone, not even to myself. I didn't want to face my feelings, knowing what I knew about myself - this confident version I built for years with a solid backup that didn't come from sheer luck or hitting the jackpot. But there I was, questioning every bit of my being, all the decisions that led to this very moment. I felt lost with no vision of what was next if everything continued working against me. 

No plan, no future, no prospects - all of that felt so far, far away from me. 

When I envisioned this playing out initially, I was drowning in demand!! But reality hit so hard, it humbled me beyond my imagination. Ironically, I was drowning in my ignorance, not realising it could all take such a SHARP turn south. I hadn't even as much as CONSIDERED it! That's the thing about positive people, right? The delusion of looking forward and assuming only the best? That it'll all work in your favour? Yes, I am a flagbearer of that. 

So I did what I usually do - buried myself watching mindless content on my phone, to not feel my feelings. To run away and hide. To numb it to whatever extent I possibly could, if not a 100%. As usual, Netflix and the ‘gram kept me sane at the cost of an act, much like the content itself.

Friends I spoke to every day would bring it up and I would repeat the same 10 lines I did on the last phone call - actually, with me it's always 20 lines! Repeated it time and time again because I. just. couldn't. let. anyone. in. on. what. was. really. going. on. 

To be fair, did I even know that? I didn't! I was more than happy to stay as blissfully unaware of them as I could be, with one episode of Friends at a time. 

There's light at the end of the tunnel, but that's not what this is about.

The tunnel is long and scary and has you fully blinded, with no clues left behind for you to puzzle your way out. No lighter or wood for you to create your own fire; not even a timeline on how long this would last, so you could tell yourself this will be over soon and that you are almost there. Just pure, endless, pitch black darkness as far as the eye could see.

People counting on you to show up at the end of that tunnel - but is there hope, really? They'll tell you there is, but is that easy for you to believe, living in your shoes?

If you are someone going through this, I see you, I hear you!

I want to let you know that nothing positive anyone says is going to ease that pain for you unless you BELIEVE in it yourself. Yes, we live in a shitty world, that’s unfair and brutal. I agree, good things don't happen to good people; if anything, I believe the opposite to be true. But the real question is, do you have faith and trust in yourself to get through it all? The right answer to that will always be yes! You are more than capable of finding that light within!

I wish I had more trust in myself and reminded myself it'll eventually work out, and maybe it won't and that's okay too. I wish I trusted myself to be able to figure it out, whether it went the way I planned it or not, instead of spiraling about it. 

And while I thought I was that person all along, I failed the test when it was about betting on myself! I folded and did not go all in because I bought into a bluff! I let myself down by believing anything but myself. That's when things really started to go down. 

So I ask you to hold on, I know the journey so far hasn't been easy and I can't promise it will be easy ahead either. All I have to say is: YOU have YOU and you are going to be alright.

JUST TRUST YOU AND TRUST YOUR BEING. It's the only thing that won't let you down!

July 2025